Derided Dreams
by Leya
Summary: After learning about Shuichi's secret relationship with Ryuichi Eiri takes out his anger on someone else.


Titel: Derided Dreams  
Autor: Leya  
Fandom: Gravitation  
Characters: Eiri/Tohma  
Disclaimer: All the characters are the sole property of Maki Murakami. I'm only playing with them.  
Word Count: 3.160  
Rating: R  
Warnings: violence (implied), sexual content (nothing graphic)

After learning about Shuichi's secret relationship with Ryuichi Eiri takes out his anger on someone else.

„Eiri-san! Please wait!"

Seguchi Tohma left the NG-Building in an unusual haste and tried to reach his brother-in-law before the novelist could get into his car and drive off.

"Please slow down! We need to talk about what happened!"

At first it seemed as if Eiri would ignore him but then the younger man stopped long enough for Tohma to catch up before he continued on his way. "What do you want, Seguchi? I'm not in the mood for your lecturing."

"I'm not here to give you a lecture. I just want to talk to you."

"You already said so. But I'm really not in the mood to listen." Eiri tried to open his car but Tohma caught his arm and held on. "Let go!"

"No! You just can't leave now. First you need to go back and apologize..."

"Apologize?" Eiri asked incredulously. The look on his face made clear that as far as he was concerned his brother-in-law finally had lost it. "You really want me to go back and apologize to the man who ruined my relationship? Are you insane?"

"Eiri-san, you can't just hit someone because of..."

The novelist snorted. "No? And here I thought that's something I already _did_."

"Hitting Sakuma-san won't change anything", the keyboardist said reasonably and his hand, still holding onto Eiri, gave a slight reassuring squeeze. "Come back inside and we'll talk about everything. I'm sure when you and Shindou-san had the chance to have it out..."

"You knew what Sakuma was up to, didn't you?" Eiri interrupted him fiercely, a frightening mixture of fury and hurt marring his normally handsome face.

The question hit the older male out of nowhere. The keyboardist needed several moments to overcome his shock about being involuntarily dragged into this unfortunate incident. In all honesty he hadn't known what Ryuichi was up to but after being best friends for so long he had had his suspicions. But telling Eiri the truth wouldn't change anything. The writer would never believe that he had been clueless.

He should have talked to Ryuichi, should have intervened on account of his suspicion. He knew his friend for so many years, had seen the way the singer watched his younger colleague and still he had decided to look the other way, pretending not to know what was going on.

It was another failure he had to take responsibility for and so he once again would take the blame for someone else's abnormal behaviour. A defeated sigh escaped his lips and he nodded quickly before he could reconsider his decision.

"You should have told me!"

The stare he received from a rather irate Eiri was every bit as cold as the air surrounding them but Tohma refused to back down. For the first time since he followed his brother-in-law outside the keyboardist noticed how cold it was. The cold air of the beginning night seeped through his almost translucent shirt causing Tohma to shiver violently. In his haste to stop Eiri from running headlong off into the night there had been no time for him to get his coat and now he was minutely getting colder.

"I suspected something but I wasn't sure about his real intentions. I know I should have paid more attention to them but the idea that Ryuichi would make eyes at Shuichi never crossed my mind."

A single snowflake fell from the sky, silently making its way down to the pavement where it melted within seconds. Thankful for the distraction Tohma watched it turn into a little pool of water before he looked up and noticed that the weather was about to change. Obviously the snowstorm promised two days before had finally reached them.

Experience told the keyboardist that it wouldn't take long for the streets to freeze over. To let Eiri go right now would be irresponsible – especially since the writer was far too angry to watch out for himself.

"That's all I need to know." Eiri gave Tohma a harsh shove, sending the smaller male staggering back and used his momentarily distraction to get into his car.

The keyboardist stood there for just a moment then he rushed to the other side of the car, wrenched the door open and threw himself into the passanger seat.

"Get out."

"No."

Eiri glared at him. "You're really starting to piss me off!"

Quickly Tohma plastered on the cheery smile he reserved for situations like this and refused to let Eiri know how much his refusal hurt him. "You're far too angry to drive right now! And with a snowstorm on the way I'm worried you'll..."

"You're worried, I'm annoyed. Some things never change. So what?" The writer clearly was at the end of his rope. "Last chance to get out of my car, Seguchi."

"You're behaving like a child. Why can't we talk about it like adults? I suggest you come back to my office. It's warm in there and I'm sure I'll even be able to find some beer for you."

The writer snorted disdainfully and started up his car and without even bothering to look into the rear-view mirror he backed up.

"Eiri-san! Look out!"

Contrary to the traffic regulations the black mercedes left the parking lot and shot into the traffic. A barrage of honking followed them down the street while Eiri ruthlessly changed lanes on his way to the next entrance ramp. Cars, houses, passenger's – they were nothing but colorful stripes, blurring by so rapidly they became almost indistinctable. Tohma squeezed his eyes shut and said a quick prayer.

"Why didn't you inform me as soon as you suspected something was going on?"

"Because I didn't know", Tohma dared to open his eyes and much to his relief he saw that they already were on the highway and Eiri had slowed down a bit. "And even if I had known – why should I intervene? There is no reason to meddle into the affairs of two consenting adults!"

"Why? You're asking me in all seriousness why?" Eiri inhaled sharply. His hands were gripping the steering wheel so hard it seemed as if he wanted to break it in two. "Because for almost ten years now you claim how much you want to protect me from harm and still you allowed Sakuma to hurt me. You're such a fucking hypocrite!"

"Eiri!"

The writer laughed at Tohma's shocked exclamation, deliberately mocking him with his reaction. "Don't tell me I hurt your feelings. I never believed in this innocent little cherub act you're so fond of playing anyway. You are a devil in angel's clothing and I pity all those are stupid enough to fall for this emotionally crippled little angel with a heart of stone."

Tohma couldn't believe his ears. "Eiri-san, please stop this..."

"I knew from the start that you were against my relationship with Shuichi but I never understood why. Until today. I finally realised why you always tried to get rid of him. You're jealous." The blonde novelist rudely interrupted him. One second later he beat his hand against the dashboard, causing Tohma to jumped in his seat, nervously gaping at the young man next to him. To his horror it wasn't over yet – Eiri was nowhere near finished.

"I think I understand now. Your protection is nothing but a big fat lie, invented to lull me into a false sense of security. I can't believe you have absolutely no scruples to hurt me. But as soon as it's to your advantage you finally show your true face. Ryuichi's plan to steal Shuichi away from me must have been a godsend. Now you have me all for yourself again."

"Eiri, no! That's not true! I would never hurt you intentionally! How could you even think that?" Tohma finally found his voice and although he felt his heart painfully beating in his chest he wasn't able to show Eiri how deeply the writer's accusations had wounded him. Suppressing his feelings had become second nature to him over the years and now as he needed it the most he found he wasn't able to let his masks down.

He felt a sudden rush of tears stinging in his eyes and out of habit he quickly forced them down.

"You're wrong, Eiri-san. I'm not jealous, I'm worried. I want you to be happy and when Shuichi's not the one than you'll just to have start over. You don't need him", he told Eiri, keeping his voice as softly and non threateningly as possible, hoping against all hope that he could still reach the young man. Running Shuichi down in front of the novelist wouldn't do him any good. It only would angry Eiri even more. Obviously the singer had meant more to Eiri than the writer allowed himself to admit. "I really hoped that Shuichi would be good for you but you have to face the truth. He choose someone else. Now you have two possibilities – you can wait for him to come back or you can go on."

Futilely waiting several moments for Eiri to react Tohma eventually went on.

"I know it's hard but there will be someone else for you. You just have to give yourself time to heal and wait for the right one."

"The right one, huh? I don't believe in love on first sight and such a crap."

"Neither do I. But I know that one day you'll find someone that will bring back the sweet innocent little boy you once were."

"You still haven't given up this stupid hope of yours?" The writer shook his head and looked over his shoulder before he changed lanes. "Oh, Tohma. When will you finally see the truth? Eiri is dead."

Without warning the mercedes left the highway and rushed full speed into the next rest stop. Several pools of water were glittering in the headlights as the big car crossed the dark pavement to the far end of the place.

They were alone, the rest stop lying abandoned in the early winter night and Tohma felt a little bit frightened by what his brother-in-law was possibly planning.

Eiri turned off the ignition and stared into the darkness, seemingly lost in thought, before he abruptly turned towards the musician.

„Alright."

Not able to comprehend the sudden change of subject Tohma just blinked in confusion.

Eiri smiled but it was something in his smile that made Tohma shiver in fear. The writer placed one hand on Tohma's cheek, possessively stroking his thumb over the musician's trembling lips. „You said to wait for the right one. Who said I haven't found him already?"

Tohma gently removed Eiri's hand from his face. "That's not what I meant and you know it. I'm not the one you're waiting for."

"I beg to differ, dear Tohma. I think you're exactly what I need." The writer laughed humourlessly. "Do you really think I haven't seen the way you look at me when you think no-one's watching?"

"You're imaging things, Eiri! I never thought about you this way!"

"Maybe not, but _I_ thought about _you_."

Had he heard right? Flustered Tohma didn't know what to say and Eiri used his confusion ruthlessly. His hand caught the front of Tohma's shirt, dragging him forward into a searing kiss. When they broke apart the musician seemed completely stunned.

"Eiri-san..." Tohma's breathing had quickened but when Eiri tried to kiss him again he pressed his hands against the writer's chest, trying to keep his distance. „Eiri.. stop!"

„What? Are you getting cold feet? You said I had to find myself someone else. So I did. And now you say it's wrong?"

"That's exactly what I'm saying." It was the hardest thing he ever had done but there was no way he would use Eiri like that. The young man wasn't himself right now. "Please don't talk like that, Eiri-san. I know you don't mean it. Let us stop right now before we end up hurting each other."

He did his best to sound reasonable but the scowl on Eiri's face told him that it wasn't working.

"Only five minutes ago you claimed you'll never hurt me intentionally and now you're doing it _again_."

"Don't be ridiculous, Eiri. Shuichi's betrayal hurt you and now you're lashing out at the only accessible target. Sleeping with me just to punish Shuichi won't help you in the least."

The silence between the two of them soon became awkward and while Tohma desperately looked for something comforting to say, his brother-in-law once again took charge of the situation.

"I need you, Tohma", Eiri confessed in a low tone and his normally cold eyes changed into warm pools of gold.

Tohma stared into Eiri's pleading eyes and felt his resistance crumbling. He bathed in the warmness of the sun-like gaze, letting himself being lured into a different kind of reality where nothing seemed to matter except the all-consuming wish to make Eiri happy.

"Heal me."

The whispered plea was his undoing and suddenly he gave in, allowing Eiri to drag him into his arms. Lips met, igniting a ferocious fever and breaking all the restraints Tohma kept himself under for so long.

To finally have the chance to make Eiri happy, to simply be there for him, even if it meant doing something he normally would never have done – it was all Tohma ever had wanted and so there was no hesitation when he noticed Eiri opening his pants.

Tohma batted his hands away and leaned in, taking the novelist into his mouth.

It was the first time he ever gave head to anyone and it was far more difficult than he imagined it to be. The thick hardness in his mouth made him choke, causing him to gag as Eiri suddenly thrust up into his mouth, moaning, while strong fingers buried in his hair, pressing him down and forcing him to swallow Eiri's hard length down to the hilt.

Panic took over, the fear to suffocate making him struggle against the invasion of his mouth but the grip the writer had on his hair was relentless.

If it weren't for Eiri he wouldn't have been able to endure it.

Finally Eiri's bitter semen flooded his mouth. Thankful that it was over Tohma tried to back away but Eiri strengthened his grip, holding Tohma down. The musician had no choice but to swallow until the last drop was burning it's way down his throat.

It wasn't only then that Eiri released the grip he had on Tohma's hair. The older male sat up quickly. His big green eyes were swimming in tears, showing Eiri in all clearness how much this thoughtless behaviour had hurt him. The wall he built around his emotions was finally cracking, but Tohma couldn't have cared less.

"Why did you do that?"

"I couldn't allow you to spit. It would have ruined the seats."

Too shocked to answer Tohma stared at the man he thought he knew and now had to realise that he had been wrong. Pain lanced his heart and a soft whimper escaped his lips.

By hearing Tohma's pathetic reaction Eiri grimaced, his face a rigid mask of revulsion.

„Get out."

„Wh...what?"

„Are you deaf? I said get out. And wipe your mouth. You are disgusting." Eiri turned to gaze at Tohma, golden eyes cold and cruel... so terrible cruel.

Trembling all over with pain and guilt Tohma slowly touched his lips, swollen and sore from the abuse he put himself through and found the small trickle of semen sitting in the corner of his mouth. He quickly wiped it away.

„Eiri...please..."

„Please what, Tohma?"

„Don't be so cruel."

„I'm exactly what you made me."

"How can you say that!" The tears brimming in Tohma's eyes finally spilled over but he didn't wipe them away. "You used me, Eiri! I thought it was what you wanted, I thought I was _helping_ you and now..."

Eiri rolled his eyes, clearly irritated with the odd behaviour Tohma was displaying. "I just wanted to know if you would be different from Shuichi. But you are just like him. So damn eager to please me that you indulge my every whim. You're always acting so damn self-abnegating it's making me sick."

The bitter taste of Eiri's semen still lingered in his mouth but Tohma didn't even notice. His heart was painfully beating in his chest, making him feel as if it had been shredded to pieces. Had he ever really known this man? No, this man in front of him was nothing but a cold-hearted, egoistic bastard. It was a harsh lesson for Tohma to learn but for the first time in his life he realised that this wasn't the lovely little boy he took to New York. It was exactly like his brother-in-law had said: Eiri was truly and irrevocably dead.

"You know damn well how I feel about you and all you do is abusing me? How could you?"

The next moment he found himself flat on his back, one hand pressed against the burning heat on his face where Eiri's fist had connected with his cheek.

"Don't try to transfer your own guilt onto me! You should have stopped me. I trusted you to be strong, to withstand when I wasn't able to but you failed me. Again. And now get out. You have five seconds to get out of my car or I'll throw you out myself!"

„Eiri... that's not you... I cannot believe..."

Eiri studied him motionlessly, his hard stare completely bereft of the warmth he had seen in them before.

No further words were needed. Tohma knew he had lost Eiri. Their relationship finally had turned to dust like he always feared it would happen one day. His whole life he tried to protect Eiri, to help him grow and now? He let himself be used, abandoning his rational thoughts for nothing but a moment of weakness. He never would have thought that Shuichi's betrayal would lead to his own downfall.

With all the dignity he could muster under the current circumstances he accepted his defeat and obeyed Eiri's order. He barely had time to close the door to the passanger seat behind him before Eiri stepped on the accelerator and drove off.

Standing there alone in the freezing winter night, Tohma hugged himself against the cold and watched the warm red glow of the stoplights fade behind a curtain of silently falling snow.

END


End file.
